The Lamest Birthday Party Ever
by meowloudly15
Summary: "Funny Business", but from Maggie's point of view and expanded upon slightly. My contribution to Luaggie Week. One-shot. Rated K plus for rude humour.


**Hey guys, it's me again. I've got another story for you! (Not like I don't have enough in progress in the first place, but that's not your problem! It's mine! I'm really sorry!) I decided to jump on the bandwagon and write a story for Luaggie Week...**

 **...except that I don't ship Luaggie. Not really, anyway. Instead, I decided to write "Funny Business" from Maggie's perspective. Forgive me for any departures from how the episode actually went.**

 **I hope you like it!**

 **DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Loud House or any characters from the show.**

* * *

"You're hiring a WHAT for my birthday party?"

Maggie's mom folded her arms across her chest. "You heard me the first time. I'm hiring a clown. You kids need some good laughs every once in a while. It can't be all doom and gloom 24-7." Her stern expression softened. "I worry about you and Vivian and Brock and everyone."

Maggie had perfected her glower over the past few months, and she wielded it like a weapon. Now was the perfect time for her to break it out.

Maggie unleashed a glower that would have made Stanley Kubrick proud. Her mother being a proud parent of a rebellious preteen, however, had natural immunity against such gazes, and she had a secret weapon of her own.

"I already hired her. Complain and I'm installing a tracking app on your phone."

Maggie's expression morphed into one of shock, but she rapidly tried to conceal it behind a demeanour of disinterest. Her mother picked up on the change and raised her eyebrows, waiting for Maggie to try and ascertain her disinterest, as she knew Maggie was wont to do.

As she had predicted, Maggie furrowed her brow and said, "Whatever. It's not like what I do means anything anyways, whether it's monitored or not."

Maggie's mom smirked despite herself. "It's also not like I don't already know that you've been sneaking into the house after curfew."

Maggie lost her cool. "That was one time!"

"Control your temper, Marjorie. Remember my warning."

Maggie pouted and turned away. Her mother had unleashed her full arsenal quite rapidly, so Maggie knew she meant business. Despite her teenage rebelliousness willing her onward to forcibly disagree, she decided to give in.

That was partly because glowering was her only tactic.

And anyway, she wasn't a teenager yet.

Soon enough, she would be.

That was one thing Maggie was excited about, although she wouldn't admit it.

This birthday party, on the other hand... not so much.

Maggie sighed, a loud, exasperated sigh, one that her mother had grown accustomed to hearing. "What's the clown gonna be like?"

Her mother brightened up. "Oh, she's a girl, a little older than you. She seems very nice and friendly."

"Of all the psychopath clowns in the world, I had to not get one."

"Oh, stoppit. You'll like her. It'll be fine, I promise."

Maggie huffed.

* * *

"This sucks," Maggie whispered to Vivian before turning back to watch the little boy on the stage, who was now attempting to juggle three banana cream pies in the air. He was going to fail, which was the point: a rather stupid point, but a point nonetheless. It was indeed a nice reflection on how everything people attempt in life will ultimately be ruined, but the entire performance was still horrendous. It was like watching a train wreck; she couldn't look away.

She was also disappointed that she had gotten stuck with the cute girl's dumb little brother instead of the girl herself, but she wouldn't admit that to anyone.

Maggie tore her gaze from the white-haired kid, who had dropped all of his pies already (seriously, you would think he would have at least attempted to juggle them), and looked at her mother. Her mother was not amused. Neither were any of the other parents.

The kid was trying way too hard.

He didn't know that, though.

Maggie decided to deploy her secret weapon.

The next time the boy looked at her, Maggie shot him her most hate-filled glower ever.

He stopped in his tracks, then looked at the highly displeased audience.

The kid grinned hokily, then said, "I, uh... I'll be right back. Uh, I think I left the oven on. At home. Away. From here." He darted backstage.

Maggie breathed a sigh of relief. It was about time.

Vivian whispered to Maggie, "It's about time."

Maggie replied, "That's just what I was thinking."

They waited.

"Is he gonna come back?" asked Vivian.

"I hope not," replied Maggie, who had taken out her phone and was busy composing angsty poetry.

They waited some more.

All of a sudden, a girl made her way onto the stage. She was garbed in a mime outfit, makeup and all.

"What the...?" said Vivian.

"That's the actual clown."

"Seriously? She looks more like a French mistake."

Maggie chuckled despite herself. She turned back to watching the girl.

The girl was indeed cute. She looked awfully young; maybe she attended the middle school, too.

The mime girl was now... pulling herself along an imaginary rope?

Despite the absurdity of the action, there was some odd level of depth to it.

Maggie picked up on it, as did her friends.

"It's... it's about the futility of our societal struggles," she commented.

On stage, the girl's neutral expression twitched almost imperceptibly into a smile. She fluidly shifted into pretending to be trapped inside an invisible box.

Maggie watched her in awe. Her act was incredible, for a mime. The girl had nailed the expressiveness necessary to portray expressions without going too overboard and appearing foolish.

The girl looked as though she was encased by the restrictiveness of society.

"That's exactly how I felt when my mom said I couldn't dye my hair purple," she muttered, half to herself.

For a kiddie act, this girl was awfully sophisticated.

Vivian elbowed Maggie and whispered, "My folks have no idea I'm bleaching mine."

"Edgy," she replied, keeping her eyes on the mime.

The girl vanished backstage for a moment, bringing with her the white-haired dork.

Maggie sighed and rolled her eyes. Was the boy going to do some other stupid pratfall? She hoped not.

Fortunately, they didn't. The two kids started doing a mirror routine.

Maggie watched them, impressed by how well they mimicked each other's motions. She wondered if they were related, then dismissed the notion. The two looked almost nothing alike.

She couldn't help but smile, despite the angsty half of her consciousness yelling at her to stop smiling and start pouting since nothing should make her happy as a nihilist. Maggie shoved the voice aside, at least for a moment.

Maggie said, "It's like, we're all just clones, is what it is."

Brock remarked, "I was gonna say that."

Maggie resolved herself to meet this girl. She had to know what was going on in her head.

* * *

After the two clowns left the stage, Maggie rushed over to intercept the girl before she could leave.

"Hey," she said, then stopped. She hadn't thought through what she was going to say.

She would just have to wing it and hope for the best.

The girl grinned sweetly. "Hey, birthday girl! Why aren't you wearing your birthday suit?" She laughed.

Maggie flushed bright red and stammered out, "Uh, I-I-I, wha?"

The girl grinned. "Oh, sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. Just do what I do: grin and BARE it!"

Maggie sighed. Perhaps this girl wasn't quite as deep as she seemed.

"I'm just here to thank you for the excellent miming performance. You did a fabulous job at portraying the uselessness of existence."

The girl shrugged. "I do my best. It may not always quite work out, but I try to take pride in MIME successes!"

The white-haired boy groaned. "Luan..."

The girl, ostensibly named Luan, told him, "Head on back without me, Linc. I'll meet you at home."

The boy obediently turned and walked off.

Maggie furrowed her brow. "So, you're Luan?"

"Yep, Luan Loud. Pleased t'meetcha, Marjorie." Luan offered her hand for a handshake. Maggie unwillingly accepted, trying not to let her discomfort at touching the cute girl express itself.

Maggie grimaced at hearing her full name. "Call me Maggie. So, do you go to Royal Woods Middle School?"

Luan shook her head. "Nah, I'm a freshman."

"I wouldn't have thought you to be so old."

"I wouldn't have thought you to be so young." Luan tilted her head to the side. "Well, you have your youth and your, uh, looks. So... I really shouldn't tell that pun, should I."

Maggie's expression softened somewhat. "You can say it if you want."

"I really shouldn't."

"Just go ahead already. You've piqued my curiosity."

Luan shook her head, refusing to say any more.

Maggie decided to let the issue pass. "So... are you free to stay for a little longer? I'd like to get to know you better."

Maggie hoped that if she dug deeply enough, she would be able to find the hidden core of angst, which was what she sought. There was angst in everyone, after all, even in the most optimistic of people.

Luan shook her head. Was that disappointment Maggie detected in her face, or was she just imagining things?

"Nah, sorry. I can't. I have to head home, and then I'm going to go hang out with a friend." Luan started growing flustered. "Yeah, a friend. Nothing more. That's all."

Maggie raised her eyebrows. "Just a friend, you say?"

Luan continued to become uneasy. "Yeah. No! I wish not! I mean, maybe he is a friend! Well, yeah, but maybe he could be a boyfriend! Not now, I mean, but soon! He's a friend now! A boy who's a friend! That's it! I'm single! I mean..."

Maggie kept her sorrow confined to her mind. Luan was single, but she had a crush on a boy. Oh well. The pursuit of a love interest was meaningless, anyway.

But something deep inside her still yearned for company.

Maggie interrupted Luan's rant. "Okay, then. Maybe we'll see each other at some point?"

Luan appeared appreciative for the change in subject. "Ah, I SEE what you did there! You make an excellent POINT; you're a SHARP one! Until we meet again!" She laughed at her own jokes, yet again.

Maggie sighed and turned to go back to her own party. "I won't keep you any longer. It was a pleasure to meet you."

Luan waved and turned to go.

Maggie watched her leave.

The girl was a veritable beam of sunshine, but Maggie knew there was pessimism in her somewhere.

The girl was annoying, but she was also strangely endearing.

The girl was a puzzle, but Maggie knew she could solve it.

Then, maybe she wouldn't feel so alone.

It may be a pain to be adrift in a meaningless void, but it's less of a pain if you have someone with you.

* * *

 **Maggie used "Glower"! It's not very effective! Maggie's Mom used "Helicopter Parent"! It's super effective!**

 **A wild Lincoln appears! Maggie used "Glower"! It's super effective!**

 **Okay, I need sleep.**

 **My plan right now is to finish "The Road to Healing" first, then wrap up "The Babysitters", and from there? We'll see.**

 **I hope to see you around! Thanks for reading!**


End file.
